I have spent the past week or so feeling absolutely awful. I feel like everyone can see the light at the end of the tunnel but me. I feel trapped in my head by my own thoughts and can't get out. It's an awful feeling. The doctor doubled my antidepressant after hearing that and suggested I start therapy. I'm not really looking forward to therapy. My deepest thoughts I only share with my most trusted friends. I worry that without training and physical activity I am turning into the person that I used to be. I feel useless a lot of the time and scared that there won't be an end to this ongoing battle. I have a lot of other thoughts that I'm not willing to publicly share but have shared with my best friend (thankfully). I need to find an outlet but am so lucky to have the support structures that I need.
The good news that the doctor had wasn't really outweighed by the bad. I'm off narcotics for the time being, but my muscles are weak and he's not sure if my pain is strictly muscular or not. I worry it's not as the pain is the same as before the surgery just on a smaller level. I also don't want to do therapy. Nothing against it, just I've tried it in the past and had more success talking to people I trust rather than doctors. Maybe I should try to have a more open mind towards it. Training used to be my therapy and I'm missing it more and more everyday.
The depressive feelings are hitting me hard and I was actually trying not to be open about it with you all-but then I realized I opened the door to welcome you into my journey and you deserve the honest end of it-right now it sucks.