I feel small and trapped most days now. I sit and talk to my best friend but truly wish I could fly away to somewhere where the pain wouldn't be with me, where my friends wouldn't need to ask me what my levels are because they'd always be minimal. I wish there was a way to accomplish all the things I want to in a day without a nap or being wiped out completely the next day.
I hate the fact that every aspect of my life is based around compromise. I have amazing people in my life and they don't bring it up often unless I do-but we all know it's there. Every action cut shorter because I get tired or am in pain. It just makes me feel so small and that each day I'm in pain, I see who I was fading away and this new 'lesser' person taking my place. I'm not the best at explaining how I feel but that is my best way to word it at the moment.
I worry that after a while my friends will disappear because they are sick of the constant compromise, which makes me push myself to levels that I shouldn't and then leaves me in bed the next day. I struggle with finding my new 'normals' and miss the old 'normals' more and more each day.
A pain free day would be the greatest gift but at this point I am concerned that I will need more procedures and that my most recent one hasn't worked as well as I had hoped (my pain is down some). I guess I had such high expectations for surgery that I feel let down that half of my pain still exists almost daily.
Knockoutendo News: new tshirt prototype is in and will be posted shortly--will be getting ready to go to print! FINALLY